


hold onto me cause i'm a little unsteady

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, angst? ish, not actually though it's just pretentious writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 19:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19892962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Jaemin is always going to be Jaemin.And he will always be the love of Donghyuck’s life.





	hold onto me cause i'm a little unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> hi haha i hope this is alright and not too bad of writing :[ i just wanted to write something tonight cause i was feeling a little over my head for no reason so i had to turn my energy into Something! so have this short little thing

Donghyuck thinks that Jaemin is the right person at the wrong time. 

Jaemin sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands—Jaemin always got headaches after crying, the ones that made his head pound and room spin, and Donghyuck goes to search for the Advil. Donghyuck comes back to the sight of Jaemin crying again, shoulders shaking although he bites his lip to silence himself, and he’s trying so hard to hold it in, Donghyuck knows, and it makes his own tired eyes sting. Donghyuck doesn’t say anything, he knows that Jaemin has to calm himself down, and he just presses the tablets and a glass of water into Jaemin’s hands. 

Donghyuck sits on the floor across the room, arms circled around his knees and back pressed against the cold wall, listening to the slowing of Jaemin’s breathing, the fading of his quiet sobs.

It takes a long while for Jaemin to say something. 

“You love me, don’t you, Donghyuck?” 

Donghyuck almost aches to laugh at the question, at the vulnerability in Jaemin’s voice, at the uncertainty. Has it come to a point that Jaemin questions his love? Has it gotten so bad that Jaemin questions the years of love that he and Donghyuck shared?

He wonders if this is how it always feels; if it’s always like this. Do you just wake up and realize that _this_ is how it has to be? 

It happened suddenly, Donghyuck thinks. _This_ happened suddenly. The realization that things are different, that the home that used to be so warm feels cold hit them at once, killing two birds with one stone, maybe, breaking two hearts with one blow. It happened like this: Donghyuck and Jaemin looked at each other, and they could feel it, they could see it in each other’s eyes, the absence of what used to be so obvious, so whole, they could see the inevitable end. If it happened slowly, maybe it would have hurt less, Donghyuck thinks.

But he loves Jaemin, still, after everything, through everything, and Jaemin loves him, so it’s not that they have run out of love. No, it’s not that. Donghyuck doesn’t think he will ever _not_ love Jaemin. How could he? When Jaemin is everything that Donghyuck could ask for? When Jaemin is so much more than that? 

“I do.” Donghyuck says, leaning his head back against the wall as he looks at nothing in particular. The pictures of them on the walls, the posters Jaemin got him in university, his mountain of dirty clothes in the corner of the room, his records on the bookshelf, the promise ring on his finger, Jaemin’s blood shot eyes and the matching promise ring that Jaemin holds in the palm of his hand. Half of the bedroom is gone. Half of the apartment is packed into boxes, Jaemin’s name written on them in blue marker, and loaded onto a truck downstairs. 

Donghyuck looks at Jaemin, and he hopes Jaemin will understand, “I love you more than anything.”

How can you miss someone who is right in front of you?

“But it’s different now.” Jaemin smiles, but it’s so sad, so tired, so completely void of all the happiness Donghyuck knows it used to hold. Looking at Jaemin’s smile used to make Donghyuck feel invincible, but he only feels dizzy, mouth sticky with glue and head filled with cotton. Donghyuck thinks that this, this look on Jaemin’s face is what really, truly breaks his heart. Donghyuck used to make him so happy. It makes Donghyuck feel like a villain, to have this power over Jaemin’s feelings, to hurt him so intimately like this, to hurt the person you love most, and what are you supposed to do when you’re a villain in your own story? “For the both of us.”

But Jaemin is so understanding, so considerate through it all, eyes wide with a kindness that tells Donghyuck _it’s okay._

Donghyuck allows Jaemin to take half of the fall. It’s a two way street, after all, Donghyuck thinks. It was always like that. If Jaemin walked a different direction, Donghyuck would follow. If Donghyuck rounded the corner, Jaemin would follow. But now they are walking in two different directions, stubbornly, uncontrollably. 

So it’s different, God, of course it’s different, and Donghyuck can’t do a thing about it. What is Donghyuck supposed to say? He can’t say that he’s still in love—he couldn’t fool himself like that, he wouldn’t fool Jaemin like that. And Jaemin wouldn’t fool him. He was in love, once upon a time, for a long time, God knows he was. He was so in love, so deeply and madly in love that Donghyuck thought maybe he would drown. 

But he’s walked to shore now, the tides touching the back of his ankles, asking if he’s going so soon, and he takes one last look back at the ocean that he’s called home for so long. The water is beautiful, larger than life, and Donghyuck would allow it to take him whole, he would, but he aches to see the world for just a little longer. 

Donghyuck can only close his eyes and nod, not having the heart to say more. 

But to Donghyuck, Jaemin is a constant. Jaemin will always be there for him, even when he’s not, even when he shouldn’t be, maybe, even when Donghyuck can’t actually touch him, or call him, or say with finality that Jaemin is _his_. He will always care, and he will always love, because that’s just how he is. 

The ocean will stay as it is even if Donghyuck goes, even if Donghyuck sees the world and becomes someone who no longer loves the water more than anything. 

Donghyuck doesn’t know that he’s the one crying, that the heart wrenching sobs filling the silence are his, until he feels Jaemin’s strong arms around him, holding him close to his warmth and pressing kisses to his skin. Each kiss feels like an apology, an “I love you”, a montage of the years they shared. Each kiss feels like the first time Donghyuck told Jaemin he loved him. 

“I love you.” Jaemin says once Donghyuck calms down, pressing one last kiss to Donghyuck’s forehead.

He places his ring in Donghyuck’s hand, and then he’s gone. 

And Donghyuck screams and he sobs, and he hurts until it no longer feels like someone is ripping his heart in two. And he slowly tapes his heart together, and he loves again, and he thinks about the water now and then, but he’s still only half of a man. He still has some growing up to do, places to see and people to meet, but he knows that he will go back some day. And he will fall in love with the water again. 

Jaemin is always going to be Jaemin.

And he will always be the love of Donghyuck’s life. 

It’s years later, the night prior to Mark and Jeno’s wedding, that Donghyuck sees him again. 

He’s smiling at something Jisung is saying, blonde hair too long and falling into his eyes, and Donghyuck takes a moment to study him. Jaemin is less like a firecracker now and more like candlelight, not so explosive or particularly brilliant, but he still shines so bright, still smiles like he’s on top of the world.

Jaemin looks happy, and the thought makes Donghyuck smile. 

Donghyuck is sipping on a glass of champagne and catching up with Taeil when a look of concern crosses Taeil’s face, and Donghyuck’s heart pounds. 

The moment Donghyuck turns around, he knows he’s fallen again. 

“Look who is finally as tall as me.” 

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but Jaemin looks at him with so much fondness it makes his face grow warm. “I was always this tall, Jaemin. I just stopped slouching.”

Jaemin’s smile is blinding. 

Donghyuck missed it.

He missed Jaemin.

“Do you want to try again?” Jaemin asks, this wonderful glitter of warmth in his eyes, and he was always like this, so straightforward, sincere almost to the point of naivety, but Donghyuck likes that about him. What was the point of walking in circles? Of dancing around each other? “Us?” 

Donghyuck looks at him for a long while, noting the differences and the similarities, the small things about himself that Donghyuck knows Jaemin is far too stubborn to change though years have passed and he should have grown out of some of his habits. Donghyuck looks at him and he sees the boy he shared years with, the boy he thought he would marry, and he sees a man. Jaemin has grown a lot too, hasn’t he? 

He knows that Jaemin is still the right person.

Donghyuck smiles. 

“If you help me catch that bouquet tomorrow, I’ll think about it.” 

Maybe it will work out this time, Donghyuck thinks. Maybe, finally, it’s the right time for them. 

(And if it’s not, if it’s still the wrong time, that’s alright. They will be alright.) 


End file.
